Common Mistake #2 - The People-Pleasing Trap
Learning to Say 'No' When It Counts
Hey there! Have you ever found yourself buried under a pile of tasks because you just couldn't say "No" to that extra request? Trust me, I've been there too. As software engineers, we're often eager to help out, take on new challenges, and be team players. But sometimes, this eagerness can lead us straight into the People-Pleasing Trap, where we say "Yes" to everything—even when we shouldn't.
Let's talk about what this trap is, why it's so common in our field, how to spot it, and most importantly, how to navigate it by saying "No" effectively and proposing alternatives.
What Is the "People-Pleasing Trap"?
"You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage—pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically—to say 'no' to other things."
– Stephen R. Covey
So, what's the People-Pleasing Trap all about? Simply put, it's when we feel compelled to agree to every request, task, or favor asked of us, often at the expense of our own time, well-being, or priorities. This usually stems from a desire to be liked, to avoid conflict, or to not disappoint others.
While wanting to help isn't a bad thing, constantly putting others' needs before our own can lead to stress, burnout, and a drop in the quality of our work.
Have you ever felt tempted to accept a proposed deadline from your manager, even when you know you're not going to meet it, just because you want to be agreeable or avoid a possible conflict? Well, I've fallen into that behavior myself. It resulted in stressful situations with extended workdays—not just for me, but also for my team. From these experiences, I learned that I wasn't being professional or a true team player.
I realized I had to be brave enough to say something like:
"I appreciate the urgency of this project. Given the current scope and our team's workload, meeting that deadline will be challenging. However, we could prioritize the most critical features to deliver maximum value by that date. Alternatively, if we can extend the deadline slightly, we can ensure all features are implemented with high quality."
By communicating this way, I'm being honest, professional, and solution-oriented. I'm protecting my team's workflow and allowing the business to make better decisions—in other words, truly being a team player.
Why It's a Common Trap in Software Engineering
In the world of software engineering, this trap is especially sneaky. Here's why:
Fast-Paced Environment: Tech moves quickly, and there's always something that needs to be done "ASAP."
Collaborative Culture: We're often working in teams, and there's a strong emphasis on collaboration and support.
Fear of Missing Out: With so many cool projects and technologies, we don't want to miss any opportunities.
Performance Pressure: We might feel that saying "Yes" to everything will prove our dedication and value.
But here's the catch: by overloading ourselves or avoiding tough conversations about project realities, we might actually hinder our performance and growth.
Spotting the Signs
Not sure if you're caught in the People-Pleasing Trap? Here are some signs to watch out for:
You're juggling so many commitments that you're struggling to keep up.
Other people's requests always take precedence over your own work.
You hesitate to speak up about unrealistic deadlines or project issues.
You're exhausted, and there's no end in sight.
You say "Yes" to avoid letting others down, even when it's impractical.
Avoiding the People-Pleasing Trap
Alright, so how do we get out of this trap? Here are some friendly tips focusing on how to say "No" and proposing alternatives:
Practice Saying "No" Gently
It's okay to decline a request! The way you say it can make all the difference.
Express Appreciation First:
"Thanks for considering me for this task!"
Be Honest and Direct:
"I'm currently at full capacity with other projects."
Propose Alternatives
Offering solutions shows you're still committed to the team's success.
Adjust the Scope:
"Could we focus on the most critical features first?"
Extended Timelines:
"Would it be possible to extend the deadline by a week?"
Suggesting Others:
"Maybe Alex could assist; they have experience in this area."
Future Availability:
"I can take this on next week when I have more bandwidth."
Be Honest About Your Professional Aspirations
If a role or task doesn't align with your career goals, communicate it respectfully.
Let me share a personal story. I once worked at a company that hired me as a backend developer, which was exactly where I wanted to focus my career. After some time, they asked me to transition into a frontend developer role. While they offered a very high salary, frontend development wasn't aligned with my professional objectives.
I felt tempted to accept because of the benefits, but I realized that saying "Yes" would steer me away from my career path. So, I had an open conversation with my manager:
"I appreciate the opportunity and the trust you've placed in me. However, my passion and expertise are in backend development. I believe I can contribute more effectively in that area. Is there a possibility to continue focusing on backend projects?"
Unfortunately, the company needed someone in the frontend role, and we couldn't find a middle ground. So, I made the difficult decision to seek a position elsewhere that aligned with my goals.
This experience taught me that saying "No" is sometimes necessary to stay true to your professional path. It's not just about declining a task—it's about making choices that shape your career in the long run
Set Clear Boundaries
Let your team know your availability and workload limits. Being transparent helps manage expectations.
Prioritize Your Tasks
As I mentioned in my post about the Four Cardinal Points to progress as a senior software engineer, prioritizing what delivers more value is essential. You can check that post to learn more about this.
Reflect on Your Motivations
Ask yourself why you're saying "Yes." Is it out of genuine interest, or are you trying to avoid disappointing someone? Understanding your reasons can help you make choices that align with your goals and well-being.
Seek Support
Asking for help is okay, and it demonstrates that you are strong enough to grow in your career! Talk to a mentor, manager, or trusted colleague about your workload. They can offer guidance and might help redistribute tasks.
Build Assertiveness Skills
Being assertive doesn't mean being aggressive. It's about expressing your needs respectfully. Consider reading books or attending workshops on assertiveness to strengthen this skill.
Remember It's Okay Not to Please Everyone
You can't make everyone happy all the time, and that's perfectly fine. Focus on delivering quality work and taking care of yourself; that's what truly benefits everyone.
Breaking free from the People-Pleasing Trap isn't easy, but it's definitely doable—and worth it! By focusing not just on saying "No," but on how you say it and the value of proposing alternatives, you'll enhance your professionalism and contribute more effectively to your team.
Next time you're faced with a request that stretches you too thin, take a moment to assess. Communicate your limitations honestly, and offer solutions that could work for everyone involved. Remember, being a true team player means ensuring that you're contributing sustainably and effectively.